Who Am I?
December 25, 2008
My daughter has to write an essay with this title, and here I am trying to find out how difficult a topic it might be. I often tell myself, and often my children, that that knowledge is worthless which does not translate into action. So can I, in five hundred words, define myself --- if define myself is indeed what I need to do.
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Some people are strong, and nothing seems to shake them. That's not what I am like. I think I am, at my core, somewhat fragile and fractured. And around that soft part, in trying to preserve it, I have over the years built layers of defences which, although not impregnable, mostly suffice. Sometimes I think we are all like that --- even the very strong that seem to stand tall like trees when buffeted by the winds of life. Sometimes I think there is no one at all so secure that he cannot be felled by an arrow that by chance or design happens to cut right through. At other times I wonder if I could not be like that tree, and how much I would love to be like that.
There is in China told the story of Shunkai who went to a famous Zen master. I want to know, master, who I am, he said. The master sat before him silent and impassive, either unable or unwilling to help. Please tell me who I am, master, Shunkai pleaded. Help me, he asked, but the master spoke not a word.
Tired, defeated, distraught, Shunkai turned to go. As he was walking out of the room, the master called out to him. "Hey Shunkai!" he said, and Shunkai turned around.
"That's who you are," said the master with a smile. "You are Shunkai."
But that's not nearly enough. Or is it? This is a very deep story I think sometimes, and something I think that it is amusing but hardly instructive. That is another thing I think I am. I am always uncertain. When I was young I was always in awe of people who had opinions. I used to think how grand it would be to have opinions. Now, much older, I am full of opinion. Perhaps too full, like a man who has eaten too much, and I would like a few less.
Three ninety two words so far. I have just a hundred more to go, and still so far I think I am from where I might have been. There are three things a man wants, the vedantists say: perfect happiness, perfect being, and perfect knowledge. That's pretty much what I want. But when I try and decide what order I want those in, I think I would rather place the last one first. If a man is what he hungers most for, then that is what I am.
One last thing I tell myself and I tell my children: that whoever we are, if we are not kind and gentle to everyone, then nothing else really matters.
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513 words. 34 minutes.
I would love to see how you would write this essay. Please share if you do.
Arun
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